Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy,
      Today you would have celebrated your 87th birthday. What a party that could have been. I miss you so much. Your sense of humor, your gentle smacks on the back of my head- love taps. When I watch NCIS, I think somehow Gibbs learned from you. I will never forget my avocado can opener that you gave me for Christmas. When I opened the box and saw a manual can opener and an avocado, both of our faces were probably priceless. I know yours was. Christmas shopping just hasn't quite been the same without you.  The kids have all grown but I know that we would still shop for their gifts together if we could.
       They say grief gets better with time. They are wrong. It doesn't get better, it's just different. You've been gone 20 years and the tears come flooding without a warning on your birthday, the day you passed, and sometimes when I remember something you said or did. While I understand why you smoked, I am still angry that you did. I have felt so cheated of the time that we could have spent together and it amazes me how much I miss the sound of your voice, your laughter.
        Dad, I know you held Freddie in the car when he had his car accident. The officer that came to pick me up told me that they were all amazed that he was alive and with barely a scratch. Thank you so much. I'm pretty sure you were with me during mine also. I had a feeling of being surrounded by a cloud protecting me and giving me the strength to keep my car from veering across the center line after I was hit. I know your spirit is with us.
        You and Poppy would be so proud of Mike. He is doing what he loves and is really happy. I am so proud of him too. We talk frequently, just wish I could see him more often. Thank God for the internet. I say this like you don't know what he's doing, but I know that you are with him too. Please watch over him during hurricane Sandy.
          Cindy needs you more than ever. Please be with her during this trial. I can't be up there and she can be pretty stubborn, but I have faith that you will help her through.
          Three of your grandchildren are grown with families of their own and two are in their
early college years, still figuring out who they are. Think we ever really know who we are? Please keep watch over them.
          Your great grandchildren are just incredible. Not only are they beautiful, but smart and kind and loving. Their parents are really doing a great job in raising them. I made sure to pass on the same advice that you gave me" Take the time to play and be with your kids. When they grow up they won't care whether their house was spotless, but they will remember that you took the time to play and be with them!"
       Mom moved to a condo. It was a very difficult decision for her, but with her health problems it was a good choice. I am trying to keep my promise to you but there are times when I feel like I'm letting you down. I'm sorry.  She is fighting hard to keep her independence and we are all trying to support her the best we can.
Happy Birthday,
I love you so much Daddy and always will!

My Sister

     I spoke to my Mom last night as I often do. During our conversation, she mentioned that she might have had a slight stroke a couple days ago and then went right on talking. Even though it was pretty late I said "What did you just say?". Mom, in her usual manner, stated "it's not a big deal. There isn't anything they can do anyway". The news is full of hurricane Sandy, Mom's in Maryland, I'm in Florida. Can you guess how much sleep I got last night especially when the last thing she said was "I really don't feel well tonight. Can you call me in the morning?".
     Mom has reached the stage of life where she is needing more help, but fiercely fighting to maintain her independence. During the time that I have been in Florida, my sister has been her main caregiver. The problem is that my sister is fighting her own battle with MS. I have spent many  hours praying, experiencing feelings of helplessness and frustration because I have not been able to be there for my mother and my sister. I realize that many families go through this but when you are in the thick of it, you are not focused on that fact. I know that my sister has experienced many of the same feelings as I, but she has also had to deal with resentment. I am aware of this because it has caused problems in our relationship. She is trying, in her own way, to handle her problems and Mom's. I know that she doesn't have time to think about my health problems, or the energy to care. That's alright. I do try to understand. I realize that she may not always believe it, but I love her very much and miss her even more.                                                                                                                                                
      My sister and I are in different stages of life. My children are grown and on their own, her children are in the early college years. For the past eight years, she has been the example of the sandwich generation, more prevalent today than ever before. Even though we are five years apart in age, I had my children in my twenties, while her children came in her thirties. As she and her husband experience the empty nest for the first time, I am enjoying the activities of my grandchildren when I am able.
      What all of this has taught me- no matter what I love my sister. Through the years, she has been my best friend and my worst foe. I know that deep down, no matter what, we have each other's backs when it matters. We have both been supportive and hurtful to each other, but what really matters at the end of the day- I forgive her for hurting me at times and hope that she forgives me. Love of family should never be taken for granted. You are not guaranteed a certain amount of time on this earth and we are not privy to our last moment here either. Love while you can!

Trust

 What is trust really? Mother's carry their children for about nine months, giving them everything that they need to survive. When that child is born, they still depend and trust that their mother will supply all of their needs. Unfortunately,  there are those circumstances where the one who is  supposed to be giving the love and life sustaining care, falls incredibly short. It boggles my mind how anyone could not love their child or try to hurt them in anyway. But people do because we are human, all with some imperfection that makes us choose the wrong direction at times. I try to not be  judgemental in the case of pedophiles, but God forgive me, I don't have the wisdom to understand how any person can look at a child in a sexual context. I think we need to be less complacent when it comes to hurting our children. If we as adults, don't protect them, who will?  Ironically, the ones hurting them are the very ones who should be protecting them! I remember spending hours playing outside when I was young. There used to be a creek across the street and my friends and I would follow the creek looking for frogs, tadpoles, rocks. We would follow it for quite a distance, up to a mile, unsupervised and make our way back home, wet and dirty. Today, I would never allow my grandchildren that freedom for fear that someone might try to hurt them. We have "Grandma's Rule"- you have to be in my sight at all times.  When I remember the fun and freedom that I enjoyed as a youth, I am saddened that my grandchildren will never experience that kind of freedom to just be a kid at play. Are we really progressing today or are we loosing our respect for the value of life?

 

Hope

As a grandparent I am so amazed at the amount of love that I can feel for my grandchildren. Each one is so unique and incredibly beautiful. God in his omnipotence has created each with so much distinction and yet, there is a noticeable similarity that carries on the generations of family and will continue to through the ages. Each child carries on those generations from both their parents, as have we. As we continue towards the future, I pray that each child will continue to carry forth the past, as they create the future. It is our history that gives us the foundation upon which to build our future. The decision is ours- continue with the foundation that we have started with, or if that foundation is cracked and unstable, build a new stronger one that will give strength to future generations.  May they realize the importance and beauty of each one of their abilities, qualities, and distinctions that makes them so unique. I hope that they can embrace what makes them different and not be afraid of those differences. It is from those differences that we grow and learn tolerance.

Independence Day 2011

What a remarkable day, take a minute and fully comprehend what has happened for this day to be celebrated. We go out to the beach, or picnic with family and friends, caught up in all the preparations and excitement of watching fireworks, and after a long day or evening return home, exhausted and commenting on the marvels of color combinations created for our pleasure, just to go to sleep in preparation for tomorrow, not giving a second thought to how many hours of planning, and the number of lives lost, through the years. At what cost,  were we and are we,  able to enjoy our freedom?  Please don't take it for granted. Freedom is truly a priceless gift!