Being a Parent

       Having a child changes your life forever.  That is just the plain truth.  Changes occur to your body, to your heart, to your feelings, to every aspect of your life. Emotions run rampant from the moment of conception (even before you are aware), through the birth of your child and for the rest of your life. Advice comes in all forms, shapes, and sizes. Some good, some not so good, though I truly believe, all is given with the best intentions.

       When you decide upon your career, you plan and plot the best strategy and path to help you reach your desired goal. Years of education are sought after to help you succeed in your career path. Once obtained, you continue to advance through continuing education to stay abreast of all the changes and updates in technology in your field. What do you need to become a parent? Most of the time all you need is to have sex. Today, even that is not necessary!

     We spend billions of dollars on sex education each year to teach our youth about contraception. What do we spend on teaching them about parenting, what is involved, how to be a good one?  Any new piece of technology you purchase comes with an owner’s manual. Have you ever seen one of those in new parent kits given out by hospitals? NO!  

     You don’t get a manual with your child because there aren't  two people on this earth that completely agree on how to raise your child. Raising your children is a journey that you must take alone. That is not to say you won’t have support- spouse, family, friends, church, even books. Ultimately, though, this is one journey that you and your children embrace together. They look to you for answers and for their foundation of values; you wander through the forest scared to death and slowly learn to follow your instincts, each step a little longer than the last. Just when you think you might have figured things out and start to feel some comfort, they grow up and become adults. Phase two of your journey begins, and once again, you are in the forest, scared, searching for answers and trying desperately to find your way again.                           

     Life has such a sense of humor! The third phase of your journey begins with the birth of your grandchildren. Yet again, you wander in the forest. No signs with arrows pointing the correct direction. Instead of strong hard ground under your feet, you walk on a tightrope across deep ravines. Multiple children, all of whom were raised with the same value set, now parents themselves, have unique individual perceptions of child rearing. Good luck grandparents. My philosophy has always been to tell my grandchildren to, “listen to your parents”. I may not agree with them but it is my job to support them and try, I do, to the best of my ability. I am not perfect, I wasn't  a perfect parent and I’m not the perfect grandparent! This much is true- I love my children and my grandchildren with every breath I take and will continue to do so even when my last breath is gone.

       My best advice for you, let’s start teaching our children the value of loving each other, the value of being educated and the value of continuing education (you are never too old to learn), the value of understanding that no one is perfect, except for God, the value of tolerance (not everyone learns the same way or in the same time frame), and most importantly, the value of forgiveness.  If I want to be remembered for anything at all, it is that I was never too old to be willing to give and accept forgiveness. Do the best you can, trust your instincts and know that you always have the opportunity to make things better.

Friendship

                                                                                                                                       

               Friendship is one of those things in life that I don't think we fully comprehend, but one that each of us desires and needs for support, companionship, and fulfillment. There is an old adage that states, “Friends will come and go".  This is a complete and true statement in my opinion.  As you live your life, you are constantly changing. With each new experience and more education, your likes and dislikes continue to develop.  

       The first friends in your life are your parents. Of course, they are also your first teachers. Parents actually teach you about friendship without realizing it. The first few years of your life are ones of nourishment and growth. While your priority is getting fed, loved, and cleanliness, you are actually learning about friendship at the same time. During every moment that you are awake, subconsciously, you are absorbing how your parents interact with each other, family members, and their friends. Children have this uncanny ability to absorb everything in and about their surroundings. They also hear everything to; even when you think they are asleep. Remember, it's not always the words you are using; it's the tone that is making an impression. Besides your parents, siblings are included in your first friends. They are your models on how to get along with others. Brothers and sisters teach each other what is acceptable behavior towards your cohorts. You learn very quickly what you can get away with and what may get you into deep trouble.  

          Elementary school is your next experience with friendship. On that first day of school there will usually be at least one of your friends from the neighborhood in class with you.  It's not unusual to come home after school proclaiming that you have a new best friend. After spending the day in a room full of students like yourself, you will find someone to attach yourself to, in order to feel a connection. It's like a safety mechanism that is hardwired into our genes. I think, as human beings, we need to feel the security of interaction with someone, maybe someone different from us, but someone who shares our values and beliefs. Take a close look at the friends you now have. I doubt that you are close with someone who is lacking in the similar beliefs and values that you believe in. Don't get me wrong. It is not to say that you may not be acquainted with, work with, or even live with someone with very different beliefs. You may, but usually that is for a short term.  It's just not likely.

       Friends are those whom, you learn to be close to, through the constant interaction that evolves from being in the same school, taking the same classes, and the communication that transpires during that time. For example, I had a best friend in elementary school. We did everything together. Then my parents moved us to a new county, new school. My friend and I tried to stay in touch, but eventually we stopped. Our lives took different paths, we each grew up, married, had children. Now after all these years, we have reconnected through the Internet and now share experiences about our grandchildren. We don't live in the same vicinity any more, but through modern technology, continue our friendship today.

                Our first experiences with pain and betrayal are usually thrust upon us by our friends. High school is an environment ripe with emotions and misunderstanding. False communication and a very diverse culture is all under one roof. Cliques, friends, enemies, authority, are all components of a perfect storm. Now, add teenage hormones, it's a miracle anyone survives their high school years. There appears to be multiple views of high school, those who love it and those who think that it was the worst time of their lives. Each one of us possesses the choice to make our experiences, any of them, pleasant and positive, or horrendous and negative. I won't try to say that the high school years aren't difficult, more for some than others. Peer pressure has more influence during this time than anyone wants to admit.

       As a parent, you are trying so hard to continue the foundation that you've been building for your child as they have grown. The hours spent working to instill the values and morals that are helping to build your child's character, in order for them to succeed in their adult life. And then, in a blink of your eye, a person whom your child has known for maybe a week, or so it seems, is ruling their thoughts and actions. While there are those who influence in a positive manner, it just seems to be those who are influencing negatively, that your child wants to emulate. You forget that they are searching to find themselves during this time. As a parent, you are desperately trying to hold on and protect your child from any pain and suffering. Sometimes it is better to let them discover the painful truth of a situation, in order for them to grow and learn from it. This is one of the most difficult times in the parent-child relationship.

                   

                   

      

Bullying

             You would think that in this day and age we would have evolved to a higher level. It is not  unusual to read or hear on the news about some one's child being bullied at school, on the bus, or on the playground. What amazes me is the amount of bullying that is going on in the work place.
There are numerous blogs about bullying. There are multiple Internet sites full of information. Occasionally, you may even see or hear about it in the media. Yet bullying seems to be almost nonexistent on government information sites or in the laws. Harassment pops right up, clearly explaining what that constitutes. Bullying by your employer's representatives or even coworkers, if it is there, is hidden or openly denied as not considered harassment. My hope is that our legislators will realize that this does deserve to be looked into, discussed, and acted upon. No one should have to endure bullying in the workplace at any level.
            There are those that will say, " You just need to have a thick skin", or " It makes you stronger", they are wrong. It is a form of abuse and needs to stop. We were not put on this earth to cause harm to another. That is not to say we don't need constructive criticism at times. We do. The objective is constructive. Bullying is not constructive in any form. It has a powerful affect on the person receiving it and may alter that person's performance at work, home and in the community. Needless to say, there will be a far reaching ripple effect causing who knows what and how far. That effect can only be measured in time.
         The sad reality is that the person doing the bullying is really insecure and just trying to make themselves more powerful at the expense of another human being. Why do we feel the need? Isn't bullying just a verbal form of rape? The act of rape is about power, isn't that what bullying is too? My hope is that you have learned from your family that you don't need to abuse someone in order to make yourselves feel more important. That by our example and our faith in God, you have learned that it is better to admit an insecurity, to yourself honestly, and find a resolution that will enable you to feel more secure in yourself, without causing someone harm.

Marriage

      At some point in your life I hope that you will want to get married. In today's society, the media almost equates marriage to horror. That is really a shame because marriage is such a vital part of our human experience. Not just humans either, there are some species that mate for life. I do pray that you, my grandchildren, will not enter into marriage lightly. I do not claim to be an expert, but having been married over forty one years does give me some latitude.
      Marriage is a Commitment to one another. In order to enter into this commitment, it is vital that you understand what a commitment means. The Webster dictionary defines commitment as "a : an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1) : a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2) : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee, a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future;especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date

b : something pledged

c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionallyimpelled <a commitment to a cause>" (m-w.com). Obviously, the media stopped reading after the first definition, lawyers stopped after the second, and a major portion of people never bothered to look it up at all, considering the rate of divorce. I hope that you, my grandchildren, realize that marriage is so much more.

       Finding the right words to explain marriage is not an easy task. For me, marriage has meant that I pledged the rest of my life to your grandfather. I'm sure you may be shaking your head and thinking "how can you do that?". Honestly, it was very easy. I was nineteen and like so many, really did not understand what I was committing to. I thought I was "in love". Let me be the first to admit that when you get married you are not in love. You may love traits in the other person, there is lust, but in love,No!

      Real love comes from above, through God's grace, as the two of you become one, living together and facing all of the challenges that you encounter on your journey together. Trust me this is a journey, full of mistakes, but one that gives an insurmountable amount of joy, satisfaction and peace. I can say that because I have made many mistakes along the way. This is where God's grace is visual. Your Grandfather has stood beside me, seen the worst of me, and still says "You are the best of me and the only one that I will ever love". In this day of lightning speed divorces, many consider us an anomaly. I would disagree. There are many couples who are committed for the long haul. I would venture to say, though, the one constant among them is their faith in God and their belief in their vows. 

        Marriage is work, hard work. Taking someone for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to love and respect until death you do part is not for the weak. What you can depend on is that God will give you the strength to endure everything that you encounter together if you allow him. I know this personally. We have been through the proverbial good times and some really bad times. Getting through the bad times is hard, but nothing can compare with a parent's loss of their child. When ever things were extremely difficult, I would often take that into consideration and say "This too shall pass". God's strength reminding me that he was there to lean upon and carry my load when I couldn't carry anymore.

       We have been blessed with three beautiful children and up to now, the four of you. When I look at your parents, I realize that your Grandfather and I have received the most incredible blessing from above. God brought them into our lives and by his grace, he allowed them to bring you too. 

       Now we are entering a new phase in our marriage. We are aging and one thing I am realizing is just how much I truly love your Grandfather. Your parents always joked about our "date nights to Barnes & Noble". It wasn't important where we went, it was that we were together and we made time to talk. We have both spent our entire marriage learning how to truly communicate with each other. We've had to learn how to accept each other with our faults and make compromises because of them. We have had to learn real respect for the other. I'm not perfect, so this has been an extremely hard lesson for me especially. Patience is an ongoing lesson for me, one which I have yet been able to  conquer. God is still teaching me and by his grace, I hope that you are learning from me and with me. 

I know that I am learning from all of you everyday and I thank God for these lessons. 

      My prayer for you, my grandchildren, is for you to find the partner that God has intended for you and that you embrace marriage and the commitment that it involves, the happiness and sadness that it will bring, and the everlasting joy that only God can bless you with, grandchildren of your own. 

Grandma loves you higher than the highest moon and deeper than the ocean.

 

Change

      It has been said that " the only constant in this life is change". This is very true and probably should be included with the sentiment,"there are only two truths-you have to pay taxes and you will die". When you think of the word itself, so many images come to mind-physical, emotional, visual, people, places, things. A myriad of images. The only thing that you can control with change is how you react to that change. Will you be devastated? Will you be harmed? Is it for the better? Will you grow from the change? What can you do to make it easier on yourself, even those around you ?
     The first step for any change is to take a deep breath. Realize that in this world we inhabit, changes are occurring every minute on every level. From the environment to the molecular, change is ongoing. The real question is what are you doing to make the change a positive? How can you improve the outcome of any change? At  times, you will have to dig deep into your soul to even handle the change yourself, much less try to improve the outcome. How can you make it better for you, or anyone else? I have found, after taking a deep breath, the next step is to pray.
     Prayer is my form of therapy. I can talk openly and freely to God. Knowing that he does not judge me for  expressing my feelings, allows me the freedom to release my anxieties, fears, hurts, condemnations, insecurities, uncertainties, anything. I am human. I strive to be the person that I know I was intended to be, but making mistakes all along the way. Mistakes that caused a change in my life and the consequences that have made me grow, and hopefully, learn from. Learning from your mistakes is, itself, change. When this change occurs, you either improve or you continue to make that same mistake over and over until you turn it into the positive. My prayer is that you will learn quickly from the mistakes you've made,  forgive yourself for making them and change in a positive atmosphere to make your life and the life of those around you better because of them.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy,
      Today you would have celebrated your 87th birthday. What a party that could have been. I miss you so much. Your sense of humor, your gentle smacks on the back of my head- love taps. When I watch NCIS, I think somehow Gibbs learned from you. I will never forget my avocado can opener that you gave me for Christmas. When I opened the box and saw a manual can opener and an avocado, both of our faces were probably priceless. I know yours was. Christmas shopping just hasn't quite been the same without you.  The kids have all grown but I know that we would still shop for their gifts together if we could.
       They say grief gets better with time. They are wrong. It doesn't get better, it's just different. You've been gone 20 years and the tears come flooding without a warning on your birthday, the day you passed, and sometimes when I remember something you said or did. While I understand why you smoked, I am still angry that you did. I have felt so cheated of the time that we could have spent together and it amazes me how much I miss the sound of your voice, your laughter.
        Dad, I know you held Freddie in the car when he had his car accident. The officer that came to pick me up told me that they were all amazed that he was alive and with barely a scratch. Thank you so much. I'm pretty sure you were with me during mine also. I had a feeling of being surrounded by a cloud protecting me and giving me the strength to keep my car from veering across the center line after I was hit. I know your spirit is with us.
        You and Poppy would be so proud of Mike. He is doing what he loves and is really happy. I am so proud of him too. We talk frequently, just wish I could see him more often. Thank God for the internet. I say this like you don't know what he's doing, but I know that you are with him too. Please watch over him during hurricane Sandy.
          Cindy needs you more than ever. Please be with her during this trial. I can't be up there and she can be pretty stubborn, but I have faith that you will help her through.
          Three of your grandchildren are grown with families of their own and two are in their
early college years, still figuring out who they are. Think we ever really know who we are? Please keep watch over them.
          Your great grandchildren are just incredible. Not only are they beautiful, but smart and kind and loving. Their parents are really doing a great job in raising them. I made sure to pass on the same advice that you gave me" Take the time to play and be with your kids. When they grow up they won't care whether their house was spotless, but they will remember that you took the time to play and be with them!"
       Mom moved to a condo. It was a very difficult decision for her, but with her health problems it was a good choice. I am trying to keep my promise to you but there are times when I feel like I'm letting you down. I'm sorry.  She is fighting hard to keep her independence and we are all trying to support her the best we can.
Happy Birthday,
I love you so much Daddy and always will!

My Sister

     I spoke to my Mom last night as I often do. During our conversation, she mentioned that she might have had a slight stroke a couple days ago and then went right on talking. Even though it was pretty late I said "What did you just say?". Mom, in her usual manner, stated "it's not a big deal. There isn't anything they can do anyway". The news is full of hurricane Sandy, Mom's in Maryland, I'm in Florida. Can you guess how much sleep I got last night especially when the last thing she said was "I really don't feel well tonight. Can you call me in the morning?".
     Mom has reached the stage of life where she is needing more help, but fiercely fighting to maintain her independence. During the time that I have been in Florida, my sister has been her main caregiver. The problem is that my sister is fighting her own battle with MS. I have spent many  hours praying, experiencing feelings of helplessness and frustration because I have not been able to be there for my mother and my sister. I realize that many families go through this but when you are in the thick of it, you are not focused on that fact. I know that my sister has experienced many of the same feelings as I, but she has also had to deal with resentment. I am aware of this because it has caused problems in our relationship. She is trying, in her own way, to handle her problems and Mom's. I know that she doesn't have time to think about my health problems, or the energy to care. That's alright. I do try to understand. I realize that she may not always believe it, but I love her very much and miss her even more.                                                                                                                                                
      My sister and I are in different stages of life. My children are grown and on their own, her children are in the early college years. For the past eight years, she has been the example of the sandwich generation, more prevalent today than ever before. Even though we are five years apart in age, I had my children in my twenties, while her children came in her thirties. As she and her husband experience the empty nest for the first time, I am enjoying the activities of my grandchildren when I am able.
      What all of this has taught me- no matter what I love my sister. Through the years, she has been my best friend and my worst foe. I know that deep down, no matter what, we have each other's backs when it matters. We have both been supportive and hurtful to each other, but what really matters at the end of the day- I forgive her for hurting me at times and hope that she forgives me. Love of family should never be taken for granted. You are not guaranteed a certain amount of time on this earth and we are not privy to our last moment here either. Love while you can!